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Finally, A Presidential Candidate We Can All Believe In

February 26, 2016

by J. Andrew Zalucky

SMOD

Friends, countrymen, Americans – I’ve finally done it. I’ve found a Presidential candidate worthy of all our dreams, hopes and desires. There is one candidate, one light in the depths of our political moment, who can guide us all to the America we know we can become.

Unlike Donald Trump, this candidate won’t impose needless tariffs on Chinese goods or waste your tax dollars on a gigantic wall with Mexico. Unlike Bernie Sanders, this candidate doesn’t make apples-to-oranges comparisons between the US and northern-European countries to advocate for unworkable economic policies. Unlike Hillary Clinton, this candidate will never advocate for an overzealous crime bill, and then pretend to care about mass incarceration 20 years later.

There is only one candidate who will keep all promises and who we can all count on to be victorious in the end.

I am, of course, talking about the Sweet Meteor of Death.

incomingcomet

Sometimes, our problems require radical solutions. Solutions that shake us to our very foundations. Solutions that bring us to the point where our very existence is terminated through a torrent of fire, rock and ash. The Sweet Meteor of Death will end the War on Drugs, the income tax, the drone war, illegal NSA spying, crony capitalism, and the lives of all living creatures…quickly…and violently. Forever.

I know you all must be tired of campaign ads. But these are sure to bring that patriotic spirit roaring back into your tired, weary (soon to be annihilated in a baptism of fire) heart!

So, my fellow Americans, let us turn away from the cynicism and hate that infects our politics. Let us learn to be inspired once more. Let us come together. Let’s look to the sky! Reach for your dreams! Let us pull our souls closer…to our fiery, wretched demise. I know one day, it will make it here, and you’ll be happy you lent your support.

But until that day.

Learn to swim.

Don’t forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter…not that it’ll matter once the atoms in your body are incinerated in a….ok, ok, ok I’ll stop.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 26, 2016 10:32 am

    Funny only if you are comfortable in cynicism. Libertarianism is an elegant but simplistic ideology, with some valid insights but as a whole completely inadequate and mostly wrong in its approach to modern society. In the real world of policy and the fate of our nation, I support Bernie Sanders for President as the only candidate who is independent of the globalized banks and corporations that have zero loyalty to our country yet run Washington via the revolving door, lobbying and money spent influencing elections. Their take-over of Washington is radical. Take the example of trade policy, where corporate and Wall Street executives take $multimillion$ “exit bonuses” to become appointees in the USTR office to write Free Trade treaties that benefit those banks and corporations by offshoring our industries and creating global governance through treaty law and international tribunals that overrule national laws and regulations. That undermines our republic as much as our economy, and of all the Presidential candidates only Bernie is credibly against it! Only Bernie Sanders aims to restore our popular and national sovereignty, not to mention re-shoring our industries which are the only long-term source of wealth for our future. We need a nationalist trade policy, which is what we had in the first 175 years of our country and it made us rich and the biggest industrial power until Free Trade shipped our industries to China and Mexico.

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