Finally, A Presidential Candidate We Can All Believe In
Friends, countrymen, Americans – I’ve finally done it. I’ve found a Presidential candidate worthy of all our dreams, hopes and desires. There is one candidate, one light in the depths of our political moment, who can guide us all to the America we know we can become.
Unlike Donald Trump, this candidate won’t impose needless tariffs on Chinese goods or waste your tax dollars on a gigantic wall with Mexico. Unlike Bernie Sanders, this candidate doesn’t make apples-to-oranges comparisons between the US and northern-European countries to advocate for unworkable economic policies. Unlike Hillary Clinton, this candidate will never advocate for an overzealous crime bill, and then pretend to care about mass incarceration 20 years later.
There is only one candidate who will keep all promises and who we can all count on to be victorious in the end.
I am, of course, talking about the Sweet Meteor of Death.
Sometimes, our problems require radical solutions. Solutions that shake us to our very foundations. Solutions that bring us to the point where our very existence is terminated through a torrent of fire, rock and ash. The Sweet Meteor of Death will end the War on Drugs, the income tax, the drone war, illegal NSA spying, crony capitalism, and the lives of all living creatures…quickly…and violently. Forever.
I know you all must be tired of campaign ads. But these are sure to bring that patriotic spirit roaring back into your tired, weary (soon to be annihilated in a baptism of fire) heart!
So, my fellow Americans, let us turn away from the cynicism and hate that infects our politics. Let us learn to be inspired once more. Let us come together. Let’s look to the sky! Reach for your dreams! Let us pull our souls closer…to our fiery, wretched demise. I know one day, it will make it here, and you’ll be happy you lent your support.
But until that day.
Learn to swim.