Vote Netanyahu 2012!
by Penny Tresjon
I don’t always judge men running for President of the United States by their drug of choice, but when the answer to that question is, “none of the above,” that’s like some kind of trick-answer that breaks the laws of the game and banishes all the psychotic beasts and flesh eating plants and pantalooned 18th century aristocratic hunters back into Jumanji.
It boggles my mind that someone could go their whole life without using ANY intoxicants. While I guess I can understand people who want to avoid heroin and cocaine, no coffee? No tea? These kinds of strictures and overzealous prohibitions are enough to drive a man insane. Mitt Romney has denied himself every possible avenue of escape from monotonous horror that is raising a family and holding a job. How can we trust a man not to snap and axe murder all of us if he can’t escape into an evening of chemical-induced euphoria every once in a while?
Caged and suffocating, Mitt Romney has been trapped in reality for the entirety of his life. By now, he must be so stuck in his little groove of existence, so routined and tamed and brimming with passive aggressive angst and frustration from the bottom of his fouled and demented heart, I shudder to think what he’ll do when he finally snaps from the weight of it all. Do we really want to risk handing a man with these kinds of hang ups the keys to half the world’s nuclear arsenal?
My point is this: Romney is out of the question. Less than that. I don’t trust him, I don’t like him, and more to the point, I can’t imagine having a beer with him, because no one ever has.
Which raises the question: with the Republican nominee for President out of the way, who can we vote for?
Just to be clear, this piece was written for real Americans, so I obviously don’t have to mention Barack Obama.
And while Gary Johnson shares our real American conviction that child labor laws are a dangerous step towards communism, the only people who have ever heard of Gary Johnson are way too stoned to vote.
What Republicans and conservatives of every stripe in this country need is some real leadership. Someone who’s not afraid to bomb Iran without thinking about the consequences, a powerful, conservative leader who doesn’t blink when more than 96% of his campaign contributions come from foreign non-citizen donors, half of it coming from just one dude. Someone who will stand with Israel[‘s most extremely hawkish and insane political faction], making sure their interests come first, who won’t apologize to Russia or France or slip Ahmadinejad the tongue in the UN’s 7th floor men’s bathroom.
Let’s look at the facts:
Let’s look at the facts:
- 1.) With Netanyahu as Commander-in-Chief, we can finally hand over every major military decision to our best ally in the Middle East!
- 2.) Under our plan, Netanyahu won’t actually know he’s the President of the USA. When the US military starts listening to his every command, he’ll just assume Romney won. Since he won’t be paying any attention to domestic issues, American businesses will be free for free enterprise job creators to create jobs without burdensome government regulations or hippie faggots restricting the unbridled power of the free market’s bulging manhood.
- 3.) Benjamin Netanyahu has stood up to Barack Obama time and time again, bravely ignoring minor criticism and courageously postponing and rescheduling meetings from time to time.
- 4.) Netanyahu holds dear the same Judeo-Christian values as real Americans do, like fully supporting any effort to bomb the shit out of brown people.
- 5.) Hey, I don’t know if you heard, but that girl from school you like thinks Netanyahu is really, really awesome. Maybe you could ask her out on a date to the next Netanyahu rally?
- 6.) How do you know you don’t want to vote for Netanyahu if you’ve never tried it?
- 7.) If you truly accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior, you should welcome with open arms any attempt to bring about the apocalypse.
We live in dark times. Iran is rapidly developing the capability to develop the capacity to possibly build an atomic weapon, just as Netanyahu has consistently predicted since 1992. And with the rise of a fascist, holocaust-re-enactment obsessed regime in Iran, 2012 has turned out to be just like 1938, only with the added legitimacy of an elaborate Mayan apocalypse myth that has been painstakingly reconstructed from entirely speculative bullshit.
By now you have come to adopt completely and without reservation everything you have read here. You now understand that the other options in this election are not just effeminate and of poor quality, but completely unthinkable. It is imperative for everyone in America to write-in vote Benjamin Netanyahu for US President on November 6th.